I did my first commercial lastnight.........It was a night shoot i went to after working. I was working for nearly 20 hours, and was wired at 7:30 a.m.. I think I've emerged from my filmy depressed cocoon of lethary and indifference to an ascending curiosity. I am actually, almost interested in people again. Maybe it's because I can sense the stirring of work and projects finding there way to the surface for nourishment. It seems my mental health and sense of well being is in direct correspondence with my creative life and world--I simply have no option but to keep going in this cruel and senseless industry. This is what I want to do, to support myself well, and eventually, soon, I intend to no longer struggle at the beginning of the month----so..my perspective has emerged from the natural questions of doubt and petrifying options and returned home, to a peaceful resolution of what I have always known.
My dreams have been vivid and traveling lately. Many from my past and present I feel closer to only through the streams of the subconscious and I anticipate many a dejavues to be on their way. Bennett and I are going Home hunting tonight. I am excited. Surprised at HOW excited I am for a new fresh place, where I don't question whether or not my chronic fatigue is a symptom of the walls that shetler me.
Swelling with gratitude.
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1)The Democratic convention.
2) Being frighteningly close to hopping a flight to Reno/car to Black Rock city and stripping into dusty submission. the $800.00 plane tic stopped me....
3) Going out too much after a hard days work, only to keep spending my days off in guilt ridden recovery, instead of creative ambition.
4) Bennett and I officially deciding to move to Astoria, Queens!!!! EEK!
Now, this last one would be a big deal....usually for the following reasons: I'm a Brooklyn girl, we have a 2 bd apt. with ample light, hard wood floors, eat in kitchen, high ceilings, trees, birds and squirrels outside our window, - for only $1200/mo- oh yeah, off the express train in Brooklyn, in an "up and coming" neighborhood.
But more importantly it isn't a big deal because: Bennett isn't happy here, I'm tired of feeling apologetic to my neighbors for being white, I have a real strong suspicion there's some serious mold in the walls, (maybe it's the yellow ceiling damage that gave it away), but I've been coughing a lot lately for no known reason, it would be nice to live walking distance to restaurants and bars besides AppleBees, Bennett isn't happy here ---MOSTLY- I don't feel as insecure in our relationship that it has to be a 2 bd anymore. The mandatory 2 bd was a break up precautionary. I'll take a chance.
We CAN get a nice , renovated,1 bd in a better neighborhood for roughly the same price...okay a little more -but still. WHY NOT???
We've been mentioning moving in passing, and last night after a great make out session and naturally another one following, we've decided on...eek: October 1st 2008, Astoria, 1 bd. Which means we give out 30 day notice....now.
5) Hanging out with Jarred K and his awesome girl Sarah and eating badass nachos, with some of my favorite theatre makers around.
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| Date: | 2008-07-19 13:21 |
| Subject: | Tenerife! |
| Security: | Public |
Canary Islands, Tenerife= AMAZING!!! lastnight was the big Spanish, Iranian wedding and with an open bar and on the ocean it did not disapoint. INCREDIBLE. I am so grateful and have never had this much fun with my family. They are such good good people. BLESSED.
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| Date: | 2008-06-12 21:59 |
| Subject: | Why not? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  curious |
f you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want — good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
These can be bad memories too!
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I have been in love with my home situation lately-----it's breezy. The new roomie, B and I, are harmonious and clear. I love spending time here. B moves in this Saturday, and for the first time in 6 years I will actually have a home phone number. Everything feels incredible. 2008 baby.
Rehearsals are going well, acupuncture needles stimulating kidneys and my soul, and the last three nights have been filled with free vodka tonics, saunas, Irish pubs, delicious home made food, NYC goodness and Guwertziemener....and did I mention I made my Television debut yesterday asking sex advice to Sue the Sex expert? Yeah.
But what is really going on, is that this morning at 5:30 a.m. Pacific Standard time, my beautiful, chronically ill, rapid cycling, witty even on his death bed, grandfather, passed away. Over the last 12,13 years of my life, I have feared the day when he would be gone. No one ever thought he would live as long as he did. They took him off Dialysis a few days ago, so the passing was expected, but now that he's gone, there is a sense of surprise, disbelief and peace. He has been in such a state of pain and disorientation for years, and damn if the man didn't hang on to every last drop of life. I spoke with him two days ago on the phone, and he was still busting out the jokes. I don't think he realized why all the family was gathered around him for days. He didn't know he was dying! He was probably still talking about heading down to Mexico and finding himself some hot little Chiquita. My Grandpa Hal and I have always been morbidly alike. We can be mean as fuck one moment, and full of gods great love the next. I have always felt there was something in his nature I completely understood, even though he was intolerable to many of his closest family members. The night they took him off dialysis I toasted to him, and had a good waterfall of a cry, but today, I feel peaceful. I only wish I could be there.
So, now.....Wednesday Jan 16th 2008: there are 3 Off bway auditions, laundry, one appoint. a serious 4 hour rehearsal to go to, and a hangover to recover from. I don't want to do any of it, and almost feel tacky for doing so....what does it even matter? These day to day tasks.... More than anything I'm inspired to express my greatest love to everyone. Regardless of how deeply we may hurt one another, Judge one another, dismiss or neglect, be inflamed with disapproval-I always have believed that people justify what they do and maybe even...mean well. I have experienced moments of total love and compassion, even towards those who would be happy to see me suffer, and I have experienced the coldest of indifference, and the sharpest of rage, but when all those moments boil down to their purest form, there is love and innocence.
Honestly, the greatest pain I've experienced in the last year has been disappointment. Friendships I deemed as solid, have turned fleeting. I suppose I've shown colors and shades that aren't always palate perfect, but that's simply human. I never expected to be dismissed upon such slight effects. But I'm loyal. Imperfect, and ultimately just like everyone else. I've always fought for my Grandpa's honor and at times the only one who can stand up for his poor behavior, because I know he means well. My grandpa and I aren't always easy to love, but damn if we aren't honest, and damn if we aren't tough, and more than anything loyal, and maybe even worth the bullshit. So if my day comes, or yours, or his, as this IS, HIS day, at least there is the comfort of knowing that I said what I needed to say. That ultimately, it's our love and acceptance of human folly that surpasses the minutia--and makes it something beautiful in the end.
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Within 24 hours of Arriving in San Diego, the world is a blaze. The sun was fusia and the sky orange purple: at 10 a.m. MS Nature Rules, And damn is she fierce. I love the the way emergencies inspire one to be "present", at least for me.
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| Date: | 2007-09-03 09:02 |
| Subject: | Suburban Bliss* |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hopeful |
My first Labor day in the East Coast after 5 yrs here, has proved relaxing and uncharacteristically wholesome! AS strange as it is not being at Burning Man, or the West Coast: B's brothers house in Jersey, with the movies and BBQ, and dogs and yard, seems just right; for a coupla days at least.
**Such good people**
Ever since I bought B a bike he's a bikin fool, bikin' across Brooklyn, Queens, *The* city. Except a few days ago we were biking home through a not so nice area when my pedal fell off. That was interesting. "Five years ago you wouldn't of dreamed of walking down Marcy Ave" said a local brother, when we had to walk my bike home in an area many hip hop songs refer to. I have a lot of different feelings about that comment. If I accomplish anything in my life, i want it to be changing stereotypes on an individual level.
Burning man has been in my dreams all week. My own personal subconscious burn has been blazing. Letting go and starting again. MMmmm mmmm mmmm, it feels good.
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First weekend in NYC where I am:
-Fully healthy
- For a whole weekend: Without the boy who I've had attached at my hip :(
- In my own, breezy gorgeous apt with projects awaiting...
- Not broke :) (????)
-Have time, energy, and desire to play. Woah.
*This is a miracle* *sort of in a state of confusion* *yes, I've become too dependent and neglected most friendships* * Simultaneously totally STOKED to do shit!*
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The last time I was cast in film/tv it was for the Sopranos in 2005. A night shoot. I had sudden violent food poisoning, vomited all over the set and in front of the cast and was escorted to a trailer. I never was in the Sopranos. I was too sick to care and thought it all amusing, and if anything: memorable!
For the last 5 weeks I have been living in a daze tainted with exhaustion and queezyness. Note: It's really hard to be a good host or a present friend when nauseated.
Finally, last Friday it all climaxed. I had two big auditions. The last one was for a commercial where I had to "rock out" and dance and look really "cool". heeehhee. So they loved me, right. Then they asked me to dance another straight 7 minutes....half way through I start pouring sweat like...like, puddles on the floor. Slippery. Gross. I turn green, they look disgusted. Whatever. I crawl my way to the bathroom where I spin and grasp for air, tear my dress off. I crawl downstairs to another bathroom and vomit for a half hour, surrounded by "film" actresses. Ya know high heels, overly done, affected (I AM a theatre snob no doubt). People are offering to call an ambulance, this was intense. What is going on with my body????????????? Can hardly breathe. Dizzy. Vision unsteady.
I proceed to Bennetts where he has cable and AC. I sleep 50/72 hours. He feeds me popsicles and love. yay. That was the best. Now, I think, I think, I am an actual fully functional human being.
So yesterday to celebrate health, B and I drank ginger and wheatgrass, took him to his first Yoga class (so cute) and ate yummy vegan Zen palate food afterward, sans alcohol. I even forced myself to go home alone, for health's sake.
I'm chalking it all up to 7 months of travel. I think it's time to be still.
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 | | The Peach
Random Gentle Love Master (RGLM)
Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.
For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.
Your exact female opposite:
The Nymph
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer | You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.
Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.
DREAD: The False Messiah (DBLM)
CONSIDER: The Loverboy (RGLM), The Playboy (RGSM), or The Boy Next Door (RGLD) |
Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.
My profile name: : inwonderland2 |
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Cuz that's what i look like!
Bennett and I had tuesday day off beach day yesterday. We trekked our way to Long Beach, Long Island, where a little european beach faeri gave us free passes ( we were not expecting to pay)......lounged for, hmmm 3 4 hours. The works, snadwiches, chips, watermelon beer. What i had forgotten (impossible!) was sun screen. Ah, I'm Persian, I don't burn!
We finished the night with a mini pub-appetizer crawl. Shrimp, dip, did I just order a "Creamsicle" WHO'S LIFE IS THIS?
By the time we reached Queens I am bright bloody red. Passerbys are alarmed, and out friend Jerrod is afraid to catch my developing free radicals. Ah, well. It was an almost perfect day.
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| Date: | 2007-07-24 10:22 |
| Subject: | Coffee and oj |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  grateful |
Ashley, Joseph, David, Jason, Mike, Sarah, and sigh....Charlee. I soon discovered traveling isn't about so much where you go, but who you meet along the way. I won't try and summarize in some rectangular way the extent of this journey, but rather digest the best bits. I don't know what my trip would have been like had I not been robbed. It would have been a completely different experience. Naturally not having money while traveling created a certain backdrop, but what i discovered, was, something much more grounded and constant---my own resources.
I fell in love with Berlin. SO much so that on my way to Praha I stopped there for a nights rest, returned early from Prague (too many tourists, 9 to 1), and then extended my stay. Berlin is something magnificent. I was lucky since my first stop there was in a completely non touristy eastern neighborhood, where i saw the most genuine emergence of artists, punks, colors, bikes and dogs. Of course I'm in love.
My last day in Berlin i went to Sachsenhausen, the first Concentration camp used as a model for the rest. That's where i met the pixie Charlee from Australia. At this point I had made many great companions, all men though. There was such a bright attraction right off, that throughout the tour i avoided her since our energy was too playful for a place like that. We ended up spending the rest of the day and night exchanging stories, ideas, philosophies. I felt like we had our best qualities in common, and how bright they shined. We departed, I made my way towards my night train to Paris, where i bump into my Prague companion Jason!! AMAZING. Not only is he on the same train, but the same, car, and he's in 1st class, so you know I schmooze my way into the 1st class couchette. It still broke my body, and a week later, i still can't walk normal.
My last day in Paris confirmed that it's my least favorite city to be alone in. The men are out of fucking control. As much as i love French language and culture, Parisian men for the most part SUCK. I was followed, grabbed and simply continually harrassed. Why? Because women aren't alone in Paris, and if they are, they're fair game. Not this bitch. ha.
Upon my return I've never felt happier. Never felt happier. Every night i've had nightmare of Concentration camps, but then there's my apt which I'm newly grateful for and in love with. There's Bennett, who's kept me loyal and never once for a moment not so, there's the breakfasts he makes me every morning. There's the fact that I have never felt safer in Brooklyn before, even in my new hood, bed-stuy "do or die". After being robbed in Europe, I have never felt safer. in myself.
Today's a beach day. Tomorrows auditions. This weekend I may take the boy up north to meet my crazy folks. Tuesday my love Suki.I love NYC. I'm going to drink my coffee and orange juice now. la di da.
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You A. Transcend into a dreamlike state of disbelief
b. Cry and scream hysterically
c. Convince yourself it's utterly impossible for such catastrophe and look in the same place, over and over, and...over again.
d. Calm down and think, make a police report
E. Remember it's only money, everything will work out, (your bf works for your bank and was there when it happened)
f. experience being impressed and disgusted simultaneously at your French slick robber, and wonder, how in the hell, did they pull that off, in terms of time sapce and physics.
If you haven't guessed, yesterday minutes before B and I parted, and I was to begin my solo journey Northeast, I realized in some 25 minute span my wallet with all my money and cards was taken from my purse which was attached to the front of my body the entire time.
Yes, I've been freaking the fuck out. And now, I'm fine. I'm in Prague. It's out of this world. I practiced not eating, considering i wasn't sure when I'd have fundage. But then the magick returns, (flow, flexible charm) and i remember to remember. again. Between B and my ma I think I'll be fine by wednesday and am fine now, but the last 30 hours, have been an interesting turn from the weeks sweet Riviera theme.
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FRom Paris, down to Nice; this week with B has been magnifique. I'm incredibly surprised to discover my French is far better than I anticipated. That combined with B's French soccer jersey; locals we've made friends with cannot comprehend we're Americain. I never really felt entirely "Americain", how patriotic of me to say after missing the july 4th. I love the French culture; humour, grace and openness. It seems people are quite open with their feelings and opinions whether it be warmth, irritance, attraction or hostility. This is so much more my style than all the passive subtleties that often come with American culture. Everything being out in the open relaxes me. I prefer direct warmth or hostility any day than playing the dancing game we were raised with.
Well today is our last full day in France. Tomorrow he leaves for London then NYC, and i'm off for Praha via Berlin. It's amazing what a difference it is to speak the language, and I wish I spoke German and Czech. I intend to return here next year for at least two months so I can become fully fluent and maybe even play in one of their many local theatres. Now that's a dream to breathe and execute, delicious.
Exploring little towns on the Riviera has been the best part, despit that I was sick the first few days, and he*s been sick the last few, it's still mind blowingly beauitful, rich, and relaxing.
I do know traveling tout_seul over the next two weeks will bring a drastic flavor than strolling along with your lover; and i welcome it and whatever it brings.
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Oh my god I'm going to fucking Europe today.
after flying into NYC yesterday from S.D., red-eye style I was too grumpy, hung over, and worried to even process it. My flight was disturbed by a last minute phone call from Saudi Arabia, to tell me that my dad had a "mild" heart attack. Grief washed over. I love my baba, and he worries to degrees that ought to give worry a new definition. He's fine and out of the hospital, but had he not gone in right away it would have been bad. Strangely I had just written him an email reminding him to stop taking care of everyone else- and to take care of himself. I thank allah (his god) that he's alright. So I had a hard time, enjoying my anticipation. and though I'm not fully relaxed about it, It's thursday and holy fuck, I'm flying to Paris in a few hours.
Bennett and I re united over Senegalese food: YUM. and I awoke at a bright 5:30 a.m. ET out of excitement, and conveniently to prevent severe jet lag when I arrive. I'm not really prepared, probably won't have dough, but whatever! I'm on my way. Life dream #7---motherfucking check mark baby.
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| Date: | 2007-06-24 10:41 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative |
In Encintas, San Diego along Highway 101 my ma and I try to repair our messy history, attempt forgiveness between the rage and ice storms I shoot, when I'm fractured. It's an awful thing for any one to endure, and if you have, then let me say----I'm trying to ease it with warmth. Just another chapter in this life lesson book I suppose.
But what's really really on my mind----is Europe this week. I'm stressin' the trains and tryin' not to. I have a regional Eurail pass, and have recently discovered AFTER spending some 360 bucks on it, that the majority of the trains I intend to take require and extra reservation fee. Stupid Americans. Yep. And, these reservations should be made far in advance. I'm tryin' not to stress it. I've done Ricksteves.com and lonley planet, but I'm still at a loss. Any suggestions from travelers are welcome.
My basic itinerary: Arrive in paris, stay one night and head straight South to the French Riviera for a week with my boy (QUADRUPLE YAY!). He heads to NYC, then the real journey begins: getting from Nice, to Prague. Not easy. Prague to Berlin will be a cinch, and Berlin back to Old Paris too--------------- but the first two trips I'm concnerned about, especially since I didn't have an extra two hundred in my budget to spend on seat "reservations". What a rip off. Hurmph.
I've been trying to do my research, but I feel like I just won't know until I'm there and IN IT. I can't wait to be, in it.
Meanwhile, I have just a few days left in San diego with mama, and I wish there were a third party. We always do better like that. Learn learn learn, just try not to burn------too deeply that is.
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| Date: | 2007-06-15 23:59 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | ecstatic |
I'm DONE! I'm DONE! I'm DONE! HOLY TIME FILLED SPACE AND SANCTITY, I"M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sangria's, peace on an East Village Rooftop, the explosive feeling of being present with my friends, and the overwheming desire to PUKE> I mean, I want to throw up. Seriously. After that????????? Yeah, yeah, the rewards will be sweet and I aint spoiled and ungrateful for the fruits to come, but MY GOD what a work out! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Lord, Shiva, Allah, Krishna, Zeus, MAMI WATA! THANK YOU! I am done with my tour. Charlotte's Web Spring, 2007, is closed. Amen.
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| Date: | 2007-06-13 17:20 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | hopeful |
After my negative release things are much better. Once the curtains and large world map went up, my place transformed into my home. A feeling I haven't had in literally two years. BIG exhalation. hhhhhhhhaaaaa.
I cooked my first meal last night and was courageous enough to attempt Veggie Lasagna!!!! It wasn't perfection, but for the first time, it was damn tasty. B and I ran around nude gorging ourselves and being ridiculous.
The best part: The countdown continues, only 2 days left!! 2 days left!!!! After 6 months, 230 performances, 5,000 miles, this is going to end!!!!!! Today I was reminiscing on how ecstatic I was to get this gig, as I should be. But now, I just can't wait for it to end. I truly feel like I have paid my artistic dues in all senses of the word "paid".
My European trip is in full swing and my hostels are all booked. Paris, Nice, Prague and Berlin. I can't believe it Next week some good mama time in San Diego. It's a great place to decompress and re-center. She's taking me to get Acupuncture, and I'm going to Tiawana to see a cheap German Dentist (HA!). 2 days left. two days left. Soul fly free.
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| Date: | 2007-05-09 12:03 |
| Subject: | hungry |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  depressed |
Being ON tour but in NYC is.....discombobulation. I want a personal day. The call time's are pre-rooster, and I haven't seen anyone while in town except the boy I'm staying with. And I hardly see him. I am so utterly ready for this to wrap up. I need my friends who have slightly darker senses of humour, I am so fucking isolated lately. I want a change of scenery, the outdoors, kayaks, self-empowered women, sexually liberated men, etc.
We have a month to go. That's it. I have to find a new home, move in with joy and then off to Europe. I thought B would want to move in with me, I dunno why I ass-umed. He was shocked by the notion, I was shocked he was shocked---and am now re-considering the idea of it all, and how, I really want a dog. Europe single might be better anyway. I don't know. I love and adore him, but I want a dog. And if moving in after being togther a year is crazy, then being this committed and monogomous and not getting the other perks might be crazy too. I'm emotional today.
I miss people, I call friends. Next show: 23 minutes. Tmrws wake up time: 4:30 a.m.!!!!!
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| Date: | 2007-04-15 17:45 |
| Subject: | TLC |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | happy |
After a 17 hour drive from Kentucky, and 23 hour day- I'm home in NYC.
Visions of Krishna and Gopis watching infiltrated thru chakra play. I'm at Bennetts. HE IS.....the best. I've been utterly spoiled over the last 20 hours, and I think I really needed some care and affection. The first 8 hours I was fragile and on the verge of passing out and infantile tears of release. It's been mentally lonely among the cast. Sure we get along, but most of em' are cold and disconnected, and materially driven. It feels amazing to be with my boy, and other like minded people. I almost forgot how much fun I can be.
I'm really feeling Seattle right now though. With Suki's B party lastnight and her wedding this weekend, my chest aches that I can't be there. But I'm sending out so much love, and hoping my relationship with Seattle and those in it doesn't completely dissolve into memoirs, which seems to be the current direction.
It's raining, and I don't mind. I haven't dressed today and don't plan on it. My boy is cooking me Southern cookin' and I have 12 shows this week. A normal intense performance week is 8. WE have 12. But at least I'm breathing in some goodness.
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jooneskus's journal
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